World’s “Most Innocent” Man Found Guilty on All Charges

World’s “Most Innocent” Man Found Guilty on All Charges

In an historic verdict, Donald Trump, self-proclaimed “very innocent man”, was found guilty on all 34 felony charges of falsifying business records by a Manhattan jury on Thursday. The conviction makes Trump the first former president in U.S. history to be convicted of a felony. But don’t worry, this “very innocent man” still plans to run for president again in 2024, because who doesn’t want a felon in the White House?

From Law and Order to Disorder

The irony is thicker than Trump’s combover. The man who ran on a “law and order” platform and still claims to be a “very innocent man” is now a convicted felon. It turns out falsifying business records to cover up hush money payments isn’t very legal or very cool. 

Trump slammed the verdict, calling it a “rigged, disgraceful trial” and continuing to proclaim “I’m a very innocent man.” Clearly the jury of 12 New Yorkers didn’t get the memo that Trump is the most innocent man to ever grace this earth. His innocence is yuuuge, folks, believe me.

An Unconventional Candidate

But Trump isn’t letting a little thing like 34 felony convictions stop him. He’s still running for president, because who needs a president without a criminal record? Just think of the possibilities – instead of pardoning the Thanksgiving turkey, President Trump could pardon himself!

When reached for comment, PISR’s Dictator of Operations A.B. Zedong had this to say: “A felon for president? Ha! Even my perfectionist authoritarian standards aren’t that low. Get this clown out of here before I throw my shoe at him. Maybe he can falsify some records to make himself president of cell block D.”

So there you have it folks, the “very innocent man” is guilty as charged. In the wise words of Trump himself, “What you’re seeing and what you’re reading is not what’s happening.” The only thing that remains to be seen is if voters in 2024 will join hands with Trump and sing “It’s a felonious world after all.”