2024 Election to be Decided by Battle of the Bands

In a groundbreaking shift that has political pundits scratching their heads and musicians dusting off their guitars, the 2024 presidential election will now be decided solely by the candidates’ musical choices and performances. Forget policy debates and campaign promises – it’s all about the beats, baby!

Candidates Scramble to Secure Top Musical Talent

With campaign music determining election outcome, presidential hopefuls are ditching traditional advisors for Grammy-winning producers. “We’re not looking for a Secretary of State anymore,” said one insider. “We need a Secretary of Sick Beats.”

Trump’s campaign spokesperson, Steven Cheung, defended their musical strategy: “It’s not about freedom anymore, it’s about funky fresh rhymes. And let me tell you, nobody drops bars like The Donald.”

Meanwhile, Vice President Kamala Harris has been spotted taking intensive dance lessons. An anonymous source close to the campaign whispered, “She’s determined to out-moonwalk the competition.

Voters Baffled by New “American Idol” Style Primaries

Traditional polling stations have been replaced by karaoke booths, leaving many voters confused and slightly hoarse. “I thought I was here to choose the leader of the free world,” said one perplexed citizen. “Instead, I’m being asked to rate Trump’s rendition of ‘My Way’ on a scale of 1 to 10.”

Electoral College Replaced by Billboard Hot 100

In a shocking twist, the Electoral College has been deemed “too old-school” and replaced by the Billboard Hot 100 chart. States are now awarded based on streaming numbers and radio play.

March E. Tellerman, Master of Marketing Madness at PoliticallyIncorrectSocialResponsibility.com, couldn’t contain his excitement: “This is the pinnacle of democracy! We’ve finally found a way to combine the thrill of ‘The Voice’ with the gravitas of choosing the leader of the free world. It’s like ‘American Idol’ meets the American Constitution – I call it ‘American Idolatution’!”

As the nation gears up for what promises to be the most melodious election in history, one thing is clear: in 2024, it’s not about who has the best policies, but who has the best playlist. May the best DJ win!