ABC Trump Stephanopoulos Settlement - $15M Over Definitions

Experts Are Furious: The ABC Trump Stephanopoulos Settlement Just Made Dictionary Publishers Rich

The ABC Trump Stephanopoulos settlement has sent shockwaves through the legal world, forcing dictionary publishers to hire their own lawyers to define what “define” means. In what might be the most expensive grammar lesson in history, ABC News agreed to pay $15 million over the complex legal interpretation of words that most kindergarteners use correctly every day.

When Words Stop Meaning What They Mean (But Only in Court)

A judge's gavel coming down on a dictionary, causing words to scatter across the page like startled birds

“The distinction between colloquial understanding and legal definitions is crucial,” explained legal expert Dr. Wordsworthy Pendantic III, while alphabetizing his coffee creamer options. “What the average person considers ‘is’ might not legally be what ‘is’ is, unless ‘is’ was previously defined in section 7(b), subsection iii, paragraph 4, which clearly states that ‘is’ isn’t always what it is, if you follow what I mean, which legally speaking, you might not.”

Merriam-Webster CEO, Noah Webster IV (no relation), reportedly threw his hands up in despair: “At this point, we’re considering adding ‘See: Your Lawyer’ as a definition for every word in our next edition.”

The High Cost of Vocabulary

Our own PISR Chief Financial Officer, Adam S. Marks, offered his unique perspective: “Look, I’ve seen some expensive words in my time, but $15 million? That’s like paying $2.14 million per letter in the word ‘lawsuit.’ And trust me, I know my numbers – especially after a few Long Island Iced Teas.”

A cartoon of lawyers conducting a seance with Webster's Dictionary, trying to commune with the spirit of Noah Webster for clarification

PISR Content Editor Edward Übermensch added, “As a proud German, I take word precision seriously. And if you have a problem with Germans making language more accurate, then I can just accuse you of being anti-semantic. It is the internet after all.”

The Final Word (Subject to Legal Interpretation)

The ABC Trump Stephanopoulos settlement reminds us that in the world of legal definitions, every word comes with a price tag. And sometimes, that price tag is exactly $15 million dollars—or as lawyers would say, “a monetary sum equivalent to fifteen million United States dollars, hereinafter referred to as ‘the settlement amount,’ not including but not limited to additional fees and/or costs as specified in section 4.2(b), subject to the definition of ‘million’ as established in precedent case Law v. Mathematics (2022).”