Apple Boldly Reaches 2022 with “Revolutionary” Artificial Unintelligence

Apple Boldly Reaches 2022 with “Revolutionary” Artificial Unintelligence

Apple wowed the tech world at WWDC 2024 by courageously unveiling artificial intelligence capabilities that its rivals had in 2022. With Apple’s revolutionary artificial unintelligence, you can now enjoy me-too features on a limited set of pricey new gadgets.

Apple’s Courageous Late Arrival to AI

While OpenAI, Google, and others have had generative AI for years, Apple has boldly ignored this frontier – until now. Apple Intelligence will finally bring capabilities like AI image generation and advanced language models to Apple’s walled garden. Innovation!

Apple’s crack negotiation team also secured the right to – gasp – use non-OpenAI models like Google’s. Incredible. “We’ve got nothing to announce, but we’re thrilled to be considering potentially using other company’s AI in the future,” gushed Craig Federighi, Apple’s SVP of Copying Features.

Bravely Forcing the Upgrade Arms Race

In a masterstroke, Apple is restricting these already-dated AI capabilities to its newest, most expensive devices. Only the latest iPhones, iPads, and Macs can handle the immense processing power needed for Apple’s snazzy new AI-generated emoji.

“Why let people enjoy our belated AI features on the devices they already own? What courage! We’d rather have them buy our latest overpriced hardware to access what our rivals launched years ago,” said Elongated Muskrat, PISR’s visionary founder. That’s the Apple way!

Elon vs. Apple: The Battle of Irrelevant Grievances

Noted AI expert Elon Musk took a break from his own overhyped AI company to blast Apple’s new features on social media. “If Apple puts OpenAI in its OS, I’ll replace all our iPhones with Nokias,” the self-appointed innovation king threatened. That’ll show ’em!

Sample the Magic of Yesteryear’s AI!

Apple Intelligence will power earthshaking features like inserting your name into iMessage chats or making your photos look slightly different. “If you’ve ever thought Siri was too useful, our revolutionary artificial unintelligence will make it way worse,” boasted Steve Allen, PISR’s Master of Technology Chaos. The future is now!

So get ready to be underwhelmed by Apple’s stale take on AI, limited to expensive new gadgets. With Apple’s revolutionary artificial unintelligence, you can finally experience the magic of 2022 – as long as you pay up for the right devices. Think different, indeed.