You Won’t Believe What Happened After the Biden Garbage Comments
You Won’t Believe What Happened After the Biden Garbage Comments
In an unprecedented move following the Biden garbage comments about Trump supporters, the National Association of Waste Management Companies (NAWMC) has announced new politically-segregated waste collection guidelines, citing “the urgent need to properly sort and dispose of America’s increasingly partisan trash before it becomes as toxic as a Twitter comments section on Halloween night.”
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“As America’s premier garbage experts, we feel uniquely qualified to weigh in on this situation,” said NAWMC spokesperson Richard Bins, while standing in front of a solid gold dumpster. “If politicians are going to use our industry’s terminology, we need to establish proper protocols. These Biden garbage comments have opened a whole new market vertical.”
Jeffrey Pesos, Director of E-Commerce Operations at Politically Incorrect Social Responsibility, couldn’t contain his capitalistic excitement: “Listen, I’ve made thousands of pesos from efficient sorting systems, and I can smell profit like a raccoon smells last week’s caviar. For our Premium Ultra-Partisan Package™, we’ll not only collect your political waste – we’ll certify that it was disposed of in a facility that exclusively handles waste from your preferred party. No cross-contamination with opposing ideologies!”
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The new guidelines mandate separate collection bins for Democratic, Republican, and Independent waste streams, with a special “Undecided” bin that randomly redistributes its contents every four years. Campaign signs must be composted in bipartisan soil imported from swing states, while political hot air will be captured and converted into renewable energy – “the only truly unlimited resource in Washington,” according to experts.
March E. Tellerman, PISR’s Master of Marketing Madness, couldn’t contain his metaphorical enthusiasm: “Baby, this sorting system is wilder than a bag of cats doing karaoke at a banjo factory during a tornado! We’ve got specialized bins for everything – from expired campaign promises to recycled talking points. And don’t even get me started on our new Halloween promotion: ‘Scary Good Deals on Cross-Party Contamination Prevention!'”
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Adam S. Marks, CFO of PISR, stumbled in to add his perspective: “Look, separating political garbage is like separating your drinks – some things just don’t mix well. Trust me, I’m an expert at both! *hic* And just like my therapist says about my personal life, sometimes you need professional help to deal with your baggage.”
Elongated Muskrat, Founder and Chief PISR, announced plans to revolutionize the industry further: “We’re launching rocket-powered garbage trucks that will shoot political waste directly into space. Can’t have partisan bickering if your garbage is floating around Mars! And yes, I already bought Mars for this purpose.”
In response to the announcement, both major political parties have accused each other of generating more toxic waste, while environmental groups worry about the carbon footprint of heated political debates. RealClearPolitics’ latest polling shows that 69% of Americans believe their opposing party’s rhetoric belongs in a hazardous waste facility.
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