Carnegie Foundation: ‘Standardized Sleep Solution’ Revolutionizes Education

Carnegie Foundation: ‘Standardized Sleep Solution’ Revolutionizes Education

In a study that’s put both educators and insomniacs on high alert, the Carnegie Foundation has discovered the ultimate standardized sleep solution: “teaching to the test.” This groundbreaking research, conducted over a grueling coffee break, has sparked calls for immediate naptime—er, implementation—in schools nationwide.

The Accidental Slumber Study

Researchers stumbled upon this standardized sleep solution when they noticed entire school districts dozing off during test prep. “We thought it was just another day in American education,” said Dr. Ima Snooze, lead researcher. “Turns out, we’ve cracked the code on mass narcolepsy!”

Nationwide Snooze Button

The Department of Education has zealously drafted plans to replace all curriculum with standardized test preparation. “Why waste time on useless skills like critical thinking when we can solve both the education crisis and the sleep crisis in one fell swoop?” remarked Secretary of Education, Ben Dozin’.

March E. Tellerman, Master of Marketing Madness at PISR, weighed in: “Y’all, this sleep solution is wilder than a bag of cats on morphine! We’re gonna need a rooster playing a banjo to wake these kids up after all this learnin’!”

Unexpected Benefits of Boredom

Experts predict this standardized sleep solution could lead to:

– 99% reduction in teen eye-rolling

– Complete eradication of interesting classroom discussions

– Surprising boost in sales of No. 2 pencil-shaped pillows

As we embrace this educational revolution, one thing is clear: the future of our nation’s youth is looking very restful indeed. Sweet dreams, America—and don’t forget to bubble in your zzz’s!

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