This One Weird Trick Prevents DC Plane Crash Disasters

In what can only be described as the most unfortunate timing since the invention of screen doors for submarines, a DC plane crash disaster marked Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy’s first day on the job. The DC plane crash disaster, occurring just hours after Duffy finished practicing his signature for official documents, has prompted what officials are calling “revolutionary solutions” – or as normal people call them, “obvious things we should have been doing already.”

Why This Time Is Different (We Promise)

“Look, folks, it’s really quite simple,” Secretary Duffy explained while attempting to demonstrate proper flight paths using his lunch sandwich. “When things that fly stay away from other things that fly, they don’t hit each other. I’m pretty sure that’s just physics or something.”

March E. Tellerman, PISR’s Master of Marketing Madness, offered his unique perspective: “Listen here, y’all – this whole situation is messier than a possum in a paint mixer! Back home, we keep our aircraft separated using my mama’s foolproof system: if you can’t see the other plane’s pilot well enough to read their horoscope, you’re probably at a safe distance!”

Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger reportedly muttered under his breath, “In my day, we landed on rivers and liked it. These kids today with their fancy ‘not crashing’ technology – whatever happened to good old-fashioned miracle landings?”

The Revolutionary Solution

The Department of Transportation’s groundbreaking new safety protocol involves the radical concept of ensuring planes maintain what experts call “personal space bubbles.” When asked about the complexity of implementing such an innovative system, one air traffic controller responded, “Wait, you mean we’re supposed to keep them apart? Why didn’t anyone say so?”