What Amazon Prime Doesn’t Want You To Know About James Bond’s New Job Description
What Amazon Prime Doesn’t Want You To Know About James Bond’s New Job Description
In a corporate takeover that’s left James Bond more shaken than stirred, Amazon MGM Studios has acquired the world’s most famous spy, immediately enrolling him in their Prime delivery associate training program. Sources say 007 spent his first day learning how to efficiently pack exploding pens into Prime boxes without violating OSHA regulations.
The Evolution of Espionage Prime™
“James Bond represents everything we value at Amazon,” Jeff Bezos announced via drone message. “Except for the whole taking-two-hours-for-lunch-and-martinis thing. That’s getting optimized.” The new Bond will be required to complete missions within Prime delivery windows while maintaining a five-star customer rating on the MI6 app.
Former Bond actor Daniel Craig weighed in: “I spent years making James Bond grittier and more realistic. Now he has to ask villains if they’d like to sign up for a Prime membership before eliminating them. This wasn’t in my contract.”
Performance Metrics and Gadget Innovation
Q Branch has been reorganized as Amazon Fulfillment Center 007, where gadgets are now sorted by Prime eligibility. “The exploding watches are great,” says Elongated Muskrat, PISR’s Chief PISR, “but have you considered how many units we could move if they also tracked bathroom breaks?”
Prime Intelligence Service Tiers:
– Prime Basic: Standard license to kill (2-day processing)
– Prime Plus: Next-day villain elimination with free returns
– Prime Ultimate: Instant gadget delivery + exclusive access to pre-mission spoilers
Jeffrey Pesos, PISR’s Director of E-Commerce Operations, couldn’t contain his excitement: “James Bond used to waste time seducing information out of people. Now he just checks their Amazon purchase history. It’s called efficiency, darling.”
The future of James Bond looks decidedly more Prime-focused, though insiders report he’s still struggling to fit his martini shaker into regulation-size delivery totes.
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