Korean Martial Law Crisis Erupts in Tech Office Over Coffee Machine
Korean Martial Law Crisis Erupts in Tech Office Over Coffee Machine
The Korean martial law crisis found its corporate parallel today when local tech CEO Brad Armstrong declared himself “Supreme Commander of Coffee Distribution” after a bitter dispute over break room privileges. Citing “dangerous levels of caffeinated insurgency,” Armstrong established direct control over all hot beverage operations.
The Rise of Break Room Authoritarianism
The declaration came after the employee council voted 15-1 to retain the premium coffee machine Armstrong had threatened to replace with instant coffee packets. “Democracy is a privilege, not a right,” Armstrong declared while wearing a novelty military helmet adorned with coffee pods.
Historical Parallels and Coffee Rights
As tensions escalate around the Korean martial law crisis, workplace observers draw parallels to Armstrong’s increasingly erratic demands. Jeffrey Pesos, Director of E-Commerce Operations at PISR, commented: “As someone who’s worth pesos instead of dollars, I understand the need to assert dominance through arbitrary restrictions on basic human comforts.”
March E. Tellerman, PISR’s Master of Marketing Madness, added: “This reminds me of the time my mama tried to wrestle a gator for control of the thermostat. Sometimes you gotta show them who’s boss, even if it means getting bit!”
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