The Ultimate News Watching Workout Routine That’s Making Fitness Experts Lose Their Minds
The Ultimate News Watching Workout Routine That’s Making Fitness Experts Lose Their Minds
Fitness experts are fuming as a groundbreaking study reveals that the news watching workout routine is outperforming traditional exercise programs, primarily through aggressive remote-clicking and passionate political monologuing to empty rooms.
The Science of Screaming at Your Screen
“Our research shows that a proper news watching workout routine can burn up to 500 calories per hour,” explains Dr. Richard Simmons III (no relation). “We’ve identified several high-intensity movements, including the ‘Fox News Fury Flex,’ the ‘CNN Core Clench,’ and my personal favorite, the ‘Headline Hero HIIT’ – which involves dramatically gasping at breaking news every 30 seconds.”
March E. Tellerman, PISR’s Master of Marketing Madness, couldn’t contain his excitement: “This is wilder than a honey badger doing CrossFit on morphine! We’re launching a whole line of News-Rage equipment, including reinforced argument-proof coffee tables and grip-strengthened remote controls!”
The Ultimate Channel-Surfing Fitness Guide
Recommended Routine:
– Morning Show Warm-up: 10 minutes of weather report eye-rolls
– Cable News Cardio: 20 minutes of continuous commentary to your cat
– Political Panel Power Hour: Advanced shouting at multiple pundits
– Cool-down: 5 minutes of deep-breathing Facebook scrolling
Even Richard Simmons (the original) has weighed in: “In my day, we had to actually move to feel the burn. Now you can get the same results by just being perpetually outraged? That’s progress, baby! Now everyone can sweat to the political oldies!”
WARNING: Side effects may include elevated blood pressure, strained relationships with neighbors, and an inexplicable urge to run for local office. Consult your therapist before beginning any news watching workout routine.
Hashtags: #NewsRageWorkout #FitnessHacks #PoliticalCardio #CouchExercise #OutrageGains
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