The Shocking Truth About Office Plant Evolution That HR Doesn’t Want You To Know
The Shocking Truth About Office Plant Evolution That HR Doesn’t Want You To Know
Scientists have documented the first confirmed case of office plant evolution in action, as a standard-issue ficus has spontaneously developed middle management capabilities. The plant, initially purchased from a clearance rack at Home Depot, has already mastered the art of scheduling unnecessary meetings and using the phrase “let’s circle back” without any human training.
From Photosynthesis to Profit Margins
“This office plant evolution is more impressive than a raccoon with an MBA,” declares March E. Tellerman, PISR’s Master of Marketing Madness. “One day it’s just sitting there photosynthesizing, the next it’s demanding a corner office with natural light and a standing desk.”
The specimen has developed remarkable corporate adaptations, including:
– Growing organizational charts directly on its leaves
– Converting water into coffee
– Developing an inexplicable ability to reply-all to company emails
The Rise of Botanical Business Leadership
“As someone who’s seen my fair share of unusual promotions after a few Long Islands,” notes Adam S. Marks, CFO of PISR, “even I’m impressed by its ability to generate buzzwords faster than it generates oxygen.”
Junior Manager Sr., suddenly concerned about his job security, has already implemented a new policy requiring all office plants to sign non-competition agreements. “We support growth initiatives,” he stated, “but this level of vertical integration is getting out of hand. Yesterday I caught my spider plant drafting a business proposal.”
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