Revolutionary Social Media Privacy Platform Causes Tech Panic

This Social Media Privacy Platform Has Silicon Valley Executives Running to Their Therapists – Here’s Why

In a development that’s causing more panic than a cryptocurrency crash, a revolutionary social media privacy platform has emerged with a business model so ethical it’s being called “literal violence” by tech bros everywhere: they’re not harvesting user data for profit.

Tech Leaders Having Collective Existential Crisis

social media privacy platform, A corporate mindfulness session gone wrong, with tech executives lying on yoga mats, clutching their phones, while a meditation guru tries to explain the concept of "user consent

“This is worse than that time someone suggested we pay taxes,” declared Steve Allen, Master of Technology Chaos at PISR, while stress-eating artisanal sourdough. “I’ve had to increase my morning affirmations from ‘I am a disruptor’ to ‘Users’ personal data is my birthright’ just to cope.”

Jeffrey Pesos, Director of E-Commerce at PISR, added while adjusting his space tourism brochure collection, “Without selling user data, how will I afford my third backup yacht? My backup-backup yacht needs a friend!”

The Radical Concept of Actually Respecting Users

social media privacy platform, A confused algorithm trying to understand the concept of privacy, represented by a server having a blue screen of death with the error message "ERROR 404: DATA EXPLOITATION NOT FOUND"

The social media privacy platform has introduced shocking features like “actual privacy settings that work” and “not selling your soul to advertisers.” Mark Zuckerberg was reportedly overheard at a Silicon Valley juice bar muttering, “But how will we know what color socks to advertise to them? This is madness!”

Silicon Valley’s Coping Mechanisms

In response, major tech companies have launched a support group called “Data Harvesters Anonymous,” where CEOs meet to share their feelings about this troubling development. Sources report the meetings mostly consist of drawing new logos for their metaverses and crying into their kombucha.

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