This One Weird Trick Makes Standardized Tests So Standard They Break The Space-Time Continuum
This One Weird Trick Makes Standardized Tests So Standard They Break The Space-Time Continuum
Recent standardized testing improvements have revealed a shocking truth: our tests aren’t nearly standard enough. “We must standardize standardization itself,” declared Dr. Test Standard, while using a quantum ruler to measure the precise angle of his tie (42.0000° ± 0.0000001°). These revolutionary standardized testing improvements are set to transform education into a perfectly calibrated machine of mediocrity.
The Standard Crisis
“If two students have even slightly different atmospheric pressure around their desks, how can we call these tests standardized?” questioned Edward Übermensch, PISR’s German Content Editor, while perfecting his frankfurter punching technique. “We need more concrete fornication tools to ensure absolute conformity!”
Even Albert Einstein weighed in from the past: “I meant E=mc² as a joke, but these standardization people are making my theory look like freestyle jazz.”
Revolutionary New Standards
A. B. Zedong, PISR’s Dictator of Operations, enthusiastically enforced the new measures: “Nothing is good enough until it’s exactly the same as everything else, which still isn’t good enough!”
The New Standardized Testing Improvements Include:
1. All test-takers must achieve identical DNA sequences before testing
2. Thoughts must be pre-approved and registered with the Department of Standardized Thinking™
3. Pencil molecules must be aligned with magnetic north
4. Students must maintain exactly 3.7 blinks per minute (BPM – Blinks Per Minute)
5. Earth’s rotation speed must be adjusted to ensure consistent gravitational effects on all test papers
Implementation Guidelines
According to the new “Standard Standards for Standardizing Standards” manual (now available in a convenient 2,947-page pocket edition), all standardized testing improvements must be:
– Precisely imprecise
– Uniformly unique
– Consistently inconsistent
– Standardly outstanding
– Perfectly imperfect
“We’ve even standardized how students should feel about being standardized,” explained Max Perkins, PISR’s Managing Editor, while avoiding eye contact with anyone displaying independent thought. “It’s quite simple really – just follow our 14,392 simple steps to achieve approved levels of emotional conformity.”
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