Experts Are Furious About This New TikTok Banned Reality: A Survival Guide for the Digital Apocalypse

Experts Are Furious About This New TikTok Banned Reality: A Survival Guide for the Digital Apocalypse

As Congress inches closer to getting TikTok banned in America, users are experiencing what psychiatrists are calling “Scroll-22” – the paradox of recording their mental breakdown over losing TikTok while simultaneously posting it on TikTok.

Survival Kit Essentials

“I’ve started a strategic reserve of viral dance moves,” says Katie Chen, a 17-year-old content creator who recently filled three external hard drives with duet reactions to duet reactions. “My therapist says I need to go outside, but I told her I’m saving that for when TikTok banned actually happens.”

Guru Og Tritium, Content Moderator at PISR, shared his profound insights: “Man, this whole TikTok thing is wild. Like, are we even real? Is social media just a collective hallucination? Also, has anyone seen my crayon? I need to finish writing this quote.”

Tech Billionaires Weigh In

Even Elon Musk weighed in on Twitter/X: “If TikTok gets banned, I’m launching a new app called ‘XTok’ where every video is exactly 𝕏 seconds long and can only be viewed while driving a Tesla.”

Meanwhile, support groups have started popping up across the country. “Hi, I’m Brad, and it’s been 3 hours since I last posted a thirst trap,” shares one attendee at Tiktokers Anonymous. “The hardest part is explaining to my cat that she’s no longer an influencer.”

Hope for the Future

March E. Tellerman from PISR offers hope: “Y’all, this ain’t nothing like when my mama wrestled that dead gator! These kids are stronger than a bag of cats on morphine. They’ll survive this digital detox, especially if we get them that banjo-playing rooster I’ve been talking about!”

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