'Tree Tinder': The Hot New App Where You Decide

‘Tree Tinder’: The Hot New App Where You Decide If Trees Get Wood or Get The Axe

In a groundbreaking move that’s sure to leave both tree-huggers and concrete-lovers swiping frantically, The Nature Conservancy has launched “Tree Tinder” – an app that puts the fate of our leafy friends in the palm of your hand, right next to that breakfast burrito stain.

Swipe Right for Nature’s Hotties, Left for Concrete Jungle Fever

Gone are the days of boring environmental impact assessments. With the Tree Tinder app, users can now make split-second decisions about urban green spaces with all the depth and consideration of choosing a potential date at 2 AM after six tequila shots.

“We wanted to make conservation decisions as quick and thoughtless as possible,” said App Developer Woody Oakman. “Nothing says ‘I care about the environment’ like deciding the fate of an entire ecosystem while sitting on the toilet.”

A series of tree "profiles" on the app, each with witty bios like "Tall, dark, and photosynthesizing" or "Looking for my special someone to put their tree house in me"

Features That’ll Make You Want to Branch Out (or Chop Down)

Tree Tinder app isn’t just about mindless swiping – it’s packed with features to keep you hooked:

1. “Super Like” to plant an entire forest (warning: may cause feelings of inadequacy in nearby shrubs)

2. “Ghosting” feature that slowly replaces green areas with grey on your city map (just like your soul)

3. “Tree Pickup Lines” generator for when you need to convince local authorities (“Hey baby, wanna increase your property value?”)

The Unexpected Side Effects of Arboreal Dating

Early adopters report some unforeseen consequences. Local urban planner, Jane Concrete, confessed, “I can’t stop swiping. I’ve missed important meetings because I was too busy deciding between a majestic redwood and a nice strip mall. It’s like Pokémon Go, but with more existential dread.”

March E. Tellerman, Master of Marketing Madness at PoliticallyIncorrectSocialResponsibility.com, couldn’t contain his excitement about the Tree Tinder app: “Hot diggity! This app is wilder than a bag of cats on morphine at a Thanksgiving dinner! It’s like playing God with a forest, but with more emojis and less lightning bolts. I haven’t been this addicted to something since… well, let’s not bring up old habits. But mark my words, this Tree Tinder app is gonna be bigger than a rooster playing a banjo while riding a gator!”

A person looking distressed, surrounded by multiple phones all running the Tree Tinder app, with thought bubbles showing trees and parking lots battling for dominance

As downloads of the Tree Tinder app skyrocket faster than a squirrel on espresso, one thing is clear: the future of our urban landscapes has never been in more carelessly swiping hands. Remember, every swipe counts – unless you change your mind and want to undo, which is available for just $9.99 a month or a small forest sacrifice to the app gods.