Breaking News: Von der Leyen Proposes Time Machine to Simplify Brexit Negotiations

In a move that has left political pundits speechless, European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen has proposed building a time machine to “simplify” the ongoing Brexit negotiations.

The Time Machine Proposal

“We’ve tried everything else,” von der Leyen explained at a press conference, adjusting her newly acquired steampunk goggles. “Why not time travel?” The plan involves going back to 1973 to prevent the UK from joining the EU in the first place, thereby avoiding the entire Brexit debacle.

Unexpected Consequences

However, initial tests have yielded mixed results.

A trial run accidentally prevented the invention of the croissant, leading to widespread panic in France.

Another attempt resulted in Napoleon Bonaparte being elected as the UK’s Prime Minister in 2016.

“On the bright side,” von der Leyen noted, “Bonaparte’s ‘Continental System’ has made trade negotiations much simpler.”

A bewildered Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage in 18th-century attire

The EU’s New Temporal Affairs Department

The European Union has now established a Department of Temporal Affairs to manage the fallout from their time-traveling escapades. Their first task? Preventing a paradox that could erase Belgium from existence.

March E. Tellerman, Master of Marketing Madness at Politically Incorrect Social Responsibility, enthusiastically commented: “Hot damn, folks! This is wilder than a bag of cats on prescription morphine! Von der Leyen’s time machine is like a big, beautiful, Thanksgiving turkey filled with love and madness. I just hope they don’t accidentally bring back any extinct species – last thing we need is a velociraptor in the European Parliament!”

complex timelines and crossed-out events

As the von der Leyen Brexit time machine saga continues, citizens are advised to keep their passports, birth certificates, and existential crises up to date. After all, in the brave new world of temporal politics, you never know when you might cease to exist – or suddenly find yourself speaking French.