What Billionaires Don’t Want You To Know About The Epstein List Release That Will Make You Question Everything
What Billionaires Don’t Want You To Know About The Epstein List Release That Will Make You Question Everything
The Department of Justice is about to drop what might be the most awkward reunion album of 2025—the Epstein list release. Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Wednesday that Thursday would be the day when flight logs and names tied to disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein will finally be made public. As the Epstein list release looms, billionaires worldwide are suddenly remembering urgent appointments in countries whose names they can barely pronounce but whose extradition policies they know by heart.
Sudden Wave of “Wellness Retreats” Announced By The Rich and Famous
Isn’t it fascinating how many billionaires simultaneously discovered their passion for spiritual enlightenment in remote locations with spotty internet and cooperative governments? Travel agencies report an unprecedented surge in “one-way wellness journeys” with no return tickets.
“I’ve never seen so many wealthy clients suddenly discover their passion for silent monasteries in Mongolia,” said one travel agent. “Three of them asked if the monastery has a helipad and whether the monks sign NDAs.”
Private Jets Experience Unprecedented Booking Surge
The private aviation industry is reporting record bookings, with many jets scheduled for immediate departure to destinations that coincidentally lack strong diplomatic ties with the United States.
Bill Gates was reportedly overheard saying, “I’m just visiting farms in remote countries to study agricultural practices. The fact that these countries don’t have extradition treaties is purely educational research.”
Adam S. Marks, CFO of Politically Incorrect Social Responsibility, offered his unique perspective: “You know what pairs well with the Epstein list release? A half-dozen Long Island iced teas followed by straight tequila! Because watching billionaires suddenly discover their passion for privacy rights when it’s THEIR privacy is better than any comedy special. These are the same folks who’d sell your browsing history to a cereal company, but now they’re hiring lawyers faster than I hire bartenders after an audit.”
While the public eagerly awaits this long-overdue transparency, perhaps we should send a search party for all those billionaires who suddenly remembered they had urgent business on remote islands where, coincidentally, cell service and extradition requests never quite reach the shore.
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