Who Won Dancing With The Stars? Joey Graziadei's Crazy Victory

From Bachelor to Ballroom: Who Won Dancing with the Stars 2024

For those wondering who won Dancing with the Stars last night, prepare yourself for the most predictable plot twist since water decided to be wet. Joey Graziadei, former Bachelor and professional heart-flutter-inducer, transformed from “man who thinks the Macarena is advanced choreography” to “dancing demigod who makes Baryshnikov look like a toddler at a sugar-crash birthday party.”

The Epic Journey of Redemption™ (Now with Extra Tears!)

Side-by-side comparison of a giraffe on roller skates on one side and a prima ballerina performing in Swan Lake

After ten weeks of what PISR’s Master of Marketing Madness, March E. Tellerman, describes as “more dramatic than my Mama’s gator-wrestling championship match—and this time both contestants were alive!”, the contestants faced their final challenge. “When I saw who won Dancing with the Stars,” Tellerman continued, “I knew it was wilder than teaching a rooster to play banjo while riding a morphine-addicted honey badger!”

The Revolutionary Scoring System

Legendary choreographer Bob Fosse* reportedly haunted the judges’ table, leaving a note that read: “In my day, we just needed jazz hands and questionable life choices. Now you need a PhD in Advanced Emotional Mathematics to understand these scores.”

(*Note: Bob Fosse has been dead for decades, but that didn’t stop him from having opinions)

A flowchart showing how dance scores are calculated, featuring the variable "Number of Tears Shed ÷ Sparkle Coefficient × Dramatic Backstory = Higher Score"

The Grande Finale: Emotions Gone Wild

The question of who won Dancing with the Stars was settled when Joey and Jenna’s freestyle performance caused such a stir that three audience members spontaneously developed the ability to speak fluent Portuguese. Their dance to “Canned Heat” included:

– A triple backflip (emotional)

– Seven different types of crying

– A mid-routine tax return filing

– Three separate instances of personal growth

– A partridge in a pear tree (bedazzled)

In conclusion, another season proves that true victory isn’t measured in perfect scores or mirror ball trophies—it’s measured in the number of tissues used and the percentage of mascara ruined.