Why Is TikTok Being Banned? Congress Discovers Other Apps Also Exist, Immediately Regrets Decision

Breaking News: Congress’s investigation into why is TikTok being banned was derailed today when an intern accidentally mentioned that other apps also collect user data. The revelation sent shockwaves through Capitol Hill as lawmakers frantically checked their own phones.

Congress Shocked to Learn Their Weather Apps Know Their Location

“We were horrified to discover that our favorite weather app knows not just our location, but our mother’s maiden name and our high school mascot,” admitted one representative, who requested anonymity after realizing their fitness tracker knew they hadn’t moved from their office couch in three days.

The Great Data Awakening

Jeffrey Pesos, Director of E-Commerce Operations at PISR, offered his perspective: “As someone who definitely doesn’t run a massive e-commerce empire that definitely doesn’t track every customer’s shopping habits, I find it hilarious- I mean, concerning- that Congress is just now discovering how the internet works.”

The Path Forward

As Congress grapples with their newfound digital awareness, discussions about banning TikTok have evolved into existential questions about whether any app should know what we had for breakfast.