What Doctors Don’t Want You To Know About Scientific Studies (Because They Literally Won’t Tell You)
What Doctors Don’t Want You To Know About Scientific Studies (Because They Literally Won’t Tell You)
In an unprecedented move that’s shaking the foundations of scientific research, a groundbreaking study has been kept under wraps because its results might actually be used for research. Yes, you read that right – scientific data suppression has reached new heights as researchers discover the foolproof way to prevent data misuse: just don’t release it at all.
The Revolutionary “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Approach to Science
The revolutionary $10 million taxpayer-funded study, which could potentially inform important medical decisions, has been deemed too informative to inform anyone. “This is a breakthrough in scientific data suppression,” commented Dr. Anthony Fauci, a leading expert in data suppression. “If we don’t publish any results, they can’t be misinterpreted. It’s foolproof!”
Dr. Johanna Olson-Kennedy, who headed up the nine-year, $10 million study, told the New York Times she had not published the results (which found no evidence that puberty blockers improve patients’ mental health) because she fears they could be “weaponized” by opponents of trans healthcare for children.
PISR’s Director of Information, Roy Moss, weighed in from his undisclosed location in Alaska: “This is exactly why I don’t trust computers. Once you put information out there, people might actually read it. That’s why I keep all my research carved into tree bark and protected by my pack of trained wolves.”
The Future of Scientific Non-Discovery
“In the future, we envision a world where all potentially controversial research can be safely stored away where it can’t hurt anyone’s delusional preconceptions,” explained another researcher who wished to remain unnamed, unseen, and generally unknown.
In the end, perhaps the real scientific breakthrough was the data we didn’t share along the way.
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